apples and prostitutes (oppositeworld) wrote in snogwarts,
apples and prostitutes
oppositeworld
snogwarts

Pt 3: Episode III: Revenge of the Hippies

Title: Episode III: Revenge of the Hippies
Authors: Lauren and Laura
Disclaimers: Hogwarts, Hermione, Ron, Harry, etc., do not belong to us.
Please don't sue us. We'll give you our pocket lint and candy for free.
Note: Best read when on acid.



Hermione made a high squeaking noise and looked around nervously. "How did she know?" she asked quietly to Ron.
"I don't know! She's bloody psycho.. I mean.. psychic, whatever. Same difference."
"GIVE THEM TO MEEEEEEE!" said Trelawney loudly. "I CRAVE BUNNY STEW!"
"WHERE IS THAT BITCH?!" shouted Snape.
"Fuck, shit, damn," she said as Snape stormed into the room.
"YOU HAVE AIDS!" she screamed as she ran out of the room again.
"I DO NOT, YOU WHORE!"
"YOU KNOW YOU DO, SEVERUS. OH WELL! I'm sure you had fun when you contracted it!" she shouted back.
"FUCK YOU YOU WHORE!" "Uh, Snape are you crying?" asked Lupin. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU RETARD!" "Did you just call me a retard?"
Suddenly, there were loud honking noises coming from outside the Great Hall.
"WHAT THE SHIT?!" shouted McG.
"It sounds like a fucking traffic jam!" said Lupin curiously.
"THERE IS NOT TRAFFIC AT HOGWARTS YOU IDIOT."
Everyone hurried up to the doors of the Great Hall and peered out. Outside on the Great Lawn was an enormous tye-dyed van filled to the brim with HIPPIES.
"OH SHIT THEY'RE BACK!" shouted McG. "QUICK, HIDE THE ACID POPS!" yelled Dumbledore.
The engine of the Hippy Mobile revved and the hippies cheered gleefully, "GIVE US ACID POPS OR GIVE US SOME OTHER HIGHLY INTOXICATING AND ADDICTING HALLUCINOGEN!"
"GO AWAY. WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING!" yelled Hermione.
Two more cars pulled up on the Great Lawn. They were brightly painted as well, but marked with advertisements.
"JIMMY JOHNSON AND DALE EARNHAERDT JUNIOR!" screeched Ron.
"Wtf? How do you know that?!" asked Hermione.
"MY DAD WATCHES NASCAR! He says it's bloody BRILLIANT!"
"Oh god," said Dumbledore, "NASCAR HAS TEAMED UP WITH THE HIPPIES!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE KNOW NASCAR SUCKS!" said Dumbledore.
"WELL WHY DO PEOPLE WRITE FANFIC ON IT THEN."
Voldy appears with Gwen on his arm, "Hey, wait, I thought all these fanfics were shitty?!"
"Shut up, Voldy. You're fucking stupid," said Ron.
"PEOPLE WRITE NASCAR FANFICS?!?!"
"WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!"
"HIPPIES AND NASCAR TOGETHER?!"
"SILENCE!" yelled Dumbledore. "You. Yes, you. Hippies and Nascar. Fuck off."
"GIVE US ACID POPS, BITCH!" they all roared together.
"Dumbledore, maybe you should just give it to them," said McGonagall. "I mean, LOOK AT THEM! THEY HAVE A TRICKED OUT NASCAR HIPPY VAN!"
"Well...they are quite dedicated, aren't they."
Everyone nodded. (Including Gwen & Voldy who were still standing the corner.)
"NO! DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM. I NEED IT FOR MY STEW!"
Suddenly, Ron and Snape screamed in obscenely high-pitched voices. "HERMIONE, YOUR HAIR IS HOPPING!"
"WHAT? NO!"
"HERMIONE YOUR HAIR IS WORSE THAN MINE!" screamed Snape.
"Oh, I'm sure it's not THAT BAD, Snape!" said Hermione, but as she turned around & caught a glimpse of herself in the Great Mirror, she screamed in an equally obscene, high-pitched voice.
"OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah. Why is everything Great here?" "NOT THAT."
Hermione's hair hopped one final time and then leapt completely off her head. It lay on the Great Floor (and sparkling clean too! Kudos, Filch!), twitching. As soon as Trelawney went in for the kill, a cartoon character emerged from the mass of hair.
"HEY, BOYS AND GIRLS, I'M BUSTER BAXTER!"
Everyone screamed.
"WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Draco skipped into the scene. "BUSTER, BAYBEE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!"
"I was trapped in her hair! I'm sorry I'm late, Draco," replied Buster.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Everyone else watched the scene in horror. Hermione burst into tears.
Suddenly Trelawney jumped Buster. "MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSS!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BUNNY, BITCH?!?!" screamed Draco. "HE'S MINE!"
"HE'LL MAKE SOME TASTY STEW!" cackled Trelawney.
"NO, YOU PSYCHO BITCH! HE GIVES ME TASTY SEX! PUT HIM DOWN OR I'LL AVADA KEDAVRA YOUR ASS!"
"FUCK YOU DRACO."
Ron looked from Trelawney to Draco curiously, "Well... I'll avada kedavra her for you if you share the tasty sex with me."
"EW."
"No! HE'S MINE!"
"FINE YOU CAN HAVE THE DAMNED BUNNY."
She released Buster and Draco took him by the hand and lead him up to the Slytherin common room.
"That was just weird," said Lupin.
"Yeah," agreed Snape.
Dumbledore rubbed his eyes and shook his head, "No wonder I've had so many parents complain about all the sex stories their children tell them about Hogwarts."

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 2 comments