Authors: Lauren and Laura
Disclaimers: Hogwarts, Hermione, Ron, Harry, etc., do not belong to us.
Please don't sue us. We'll give you our pocket lint and candy for free.
Note: Best read when on acid.
One day at Hogwarts, Harry Potter cut his own hair. He was emo, so he
decided that he would cut it like Conor Oberst. Because Harry thinks
Conor is hot. And so does Ginny. Hermione Trumper was jealous, because
Harry's hair was much better than the comb-over she had to have, due to
female pattern baldness.
"YOU'RE FIRED, HARRY!" Hermione said.
"YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! I QUIT!" yelled Harry.
"You're just jealous because -- THAT'S HOT!" said Ron.
"SHUT UP, RON WEASLETON!" yelled Hermione.
Then, Snape walked in and said, "IT'S OKAY HERMIONE, I have bad hair
too." Snape then proceeded to suck in his cheeks, comb over his hair, and
impersonate Hermione Trumper. All of a sudden, Ron burst out with the
chorus of "Rich Girl". "IF I WAS A RICH GIRL, NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA NA NA! SEE I'D HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, IF I WAS A
Dumbledore enters and says, "VOTE FOR ME IN '08! Snape, what's wrong
with your hair? RON, WHY ARE YOU SINGING THAT AWFUL SONG?" "But
Dumbledore, what if you die before '08?" "THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. MY SMART
ASSERY WILL SAVE ME!"
"NO! DON'T VOTE FOR HIM! I'M RUNNING FOR A THIRD TERM!" yelled
Cornelius Fudge as he burst into the room. "But you can't do that," yelled
Harry. Cornelius shouted back, "I CAN DO ANYTHING. I'M FROM TEXAS AND I'M
MAGIC, BITCH!" "Not if I have anything to say about it!" shouted
Then, suddenly remembering that she was in the room, McGonagall
screamed, "Don't mess with those Texans. THEY HAVE COWS."
"OMG, cows?! Weaselton, what's a cow? Do they have those in NYC?"
"What? OH YEAH! I saw those when I was hanging out with Changie in Kansas!"
yelled Ron Weasleton, while continuing to hum "Rich Girl".
"Ooooooh he's getting close to Eve's part!" squealed Snape.
"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS. I HATE YOU ALL!" yelled Harry.
"That's hot!" squealed Cho & Ron together.
Harry went to his room and turned on the television to watch
Dead!Sirius's talk show. Luna was on today. Luna was saying something about how
she had found the love of her life, when all of a sudden she started
jumping up and down on the couch and shaking Sirius. Out walked Tonks,
because she is gay, and so is Remus Lupin. Tonks said something about how
she was just helping Remus cover up the fact that he was gay, but that
she didn't care anymore. Harry made a strangled sound and turned off
his television. He grabbed the blanket that Neville had quilted for him
and hid under it, and cried. Snape came in and screamed at Harry to get
over it. Lupin dashed in and said, "HEY! DON'T BE MEAN TO HARRY! His
hormones are raging! Hey, guess what?! I'm rich! RICH AND GAY!" Ginny
casually strolled by the scene and Harry emerged from his blanket, and
roared, because there is a lion in his chest.
"Well, that was odd," said Hermione Trumper. Meanwhile, everyone else
was riotting outside of a courthouse, screaming, "FREE NEVILLE
STEWARTBOTTOM!" Apparently, Neville's insider crucio-ing was obvious. Dumbledore
ran up to the podium in front of the riot and shouted, "IF I AM
ELECTED, NEVILLE WILL BE RELEASED TO HELP US BEAUTIFY OUR HOMES FOR 30 MINUTES
EVERY DAY!" and everyone was like "wtf?" Dumbledore said, "I LIKE ACID
POPS AND IF YOU ELECT ME IN '08, I WILL SEND AN ACID POP TO EVERY
HOUSEHOLD IN THIS COUNTRY!" and the hippies cheered and toasted Dumbledore
with their MAGIC koolaid. Dumbledore's pupils dialated and he began to
shout things about the large purple dinosaur and how it was tickling his
stomach. Finally, McGonagall put an end to this and took Dumbledore
back to the old folk's home.
Meanwhile, a stage had been magically set up in the Great Hall.
Weaselton & Changie dashed up on stage and out of nowhere, "Rich Girl" started
playing. They started booty dancing. Girls screamed as though they were
in excruciating pain. "WON WON!!!!!!11!!!" Harry appeared with a
tear-stained face. "WHAT?! WHY ISN'T EVERYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?!" When
everyone looked at him, he screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT STOP IT!"
Trumper entered and, disgusted by all the girls shouting "Won-Won"
repetitively, she grabbed the nearest, ugliest Hufflepuff boy and snogged
him. Voldemort entered the room, and seeing the scene before him, said,
"This shit is bananas." and left. Ginny screamed, "HERMIONE, YOU SLUT!"
"OH, LIKE YOU CAN TALK!" Much bitchfighting ensued. Harry made a
strangled noise and fell over.
Trelawney burst into the room (because the Great Hall's doors won't
open unless you burst them, because the Great Hall needs a Great Entrance)
and began to yell, "I FORTOLD IT! I SAW IT!" McGonagall walked by and
told Trelawney to shut up. She then proceeded to pick Harry up and carry
him to the mental ward.
Cho said, "OMG! He may need plastic surgery after falling over on his
nose like that!"
Ron smacked her, "SHUT UP! DON'T DRAW ATTENTION TO NOSES."
Cho said, "Uhm.. well.. he may need a new wig after that fall?"
Trumper screamed, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID SLUT!" "OH HELL NO YOU DIDN'T,
TRUMPER!" More bitchfighting ensued.
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed McG, almost rupturing
her throat. Everyone froze. Cho pulled away from biting Hermione's ear.
"Good one, McG," said Snape. "Thank you Severus." "Straight up, y0."
"Severus, you are not a gangster. Stop trying." Severus slumped over,
frowning. "Aww, McG, you made him cry!" said Lupin. Snape looked up, "SHUT
UP! I'M NOT CRYING! GANGSTERS DON'T CRY." "Shut up Severus. I'm
standing up for you." "FUCK Y'ALL! Y'ALL DON'T KNOW ME!" screamed Snape as he
ran out of the room.
Voldy appeared again, "B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" and then ran away.
"What the hell was that?" said half of the student population.
Harry burst into the room and screamed, "OH MY GOD IT'S VOLDY!! WHERE'D
HE GO?! YOU LET HIM ESCAPE YOU BASTARDS."
"That's so hot!" said Ron. "Voldy likes Gwen Stefani?! I should hook
them up!" Voldy peered around the corner, "REALLY?!? OMG, my number is
666-voldy. TELL HER TO CALL ME, y0!" "Sure, Lawdy Voldy, anything for
you, babez." said Ron.
"RON?!?!" said Harry. "ARE YOU A DEATH EATER?" "NO I JUST WANT SEX!"
"Oh cause that's cool. BUT EATING DEATH IS NOT!" "But everybody already
knows you're the best in town!" said Hermione to Ron. Everyone stared at
Hermione. "WHAT?! HE IS!" Lavender attacked Hermione. "DON'T YOU BE
FUCKING WITH MY MAN, YOU HO!" "YOUR MAN? OH HELL NAW YOU DIDN'T!" "Shush,
guys," said Ron. "There's plenty of me to go around!" "Now everyone be
quiet while I go call Gwen!" and he ran from the room while holding his
cellphone up to his ear.
There was silence for a moment and then everyone started talking at
once. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" shouted Harry. "VOLDEMORT IS IN THE SCHOOL &
ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS HOW GOOD RON IS IN BED! Not that I know or
anything..." Hermione & Lavender stare at him. "YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING WITH
MY MAN TOO?!" they said in unison. Ron strolled back into the room with
everyone staring at him. "What?" Random girls tackled him. "GEROFF!"
"What?" "I SAID, GET OFF." Harry petrifies them all, "STAY AWAY FROM MY
--" "Your what?" asked Hermione. "My.. best friend?"
"RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT," said Lavender. "Ron, do you have anything to tell
us? Lavender asked. "YES! Oh my god, you guys! Voldy and Gwen are an
item!" Harry Avada'd Lavender. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING STUPID."
Everyone stared at Harry. "WHAT? DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"
Everyone averted their eyes. "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
Lupin walked up to Harry, "I'm so glad you finally came out of the
closet, Harry! I mean, it was soooo obvious that you were more than just
FRIENDS with Ron." "How did you know?!" "Oh, us rich gay men know these
things, Harry," said Lupin.
Draco burst into the room. "WHAT THE HELL? HARRY IS NOT WITH RON. HE'S
WITH ME." Ron looked up, "YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I'm not gay! Ew!" Lupin,
Draco, and Harry all stared at Ron. "Shut up."
"Don't even TRY to hide it, Ron," said Hermione. "We all know all your
little secrets now." "But.. but... HERMIONE!" he cried as she started
to walk away. "WILL YOU STILL HAVE MY BABIES?" "NO. BECAUSE I'M GAY
"WHAT THE HELL. IS EVERYONE HERE GAY?!" screamed Snape. "YES!" yelled
Remus, with a lisp."I can't believe this," said Snape. "No wonder the
Ministry wants to shut us down! Hogwarts is one big gay sex orgy!"
"So..what about you, Snape...up for a little...fun?" "NO EW WHAT THE SHIT.
GROSS. I'M MOVING TO ANTARCTICA. DON'T TRY TO FIND ME!"
At that moment, Dumbledore burst through the door carrying a tray of
acid-filled test tubes, "I WON, I WON! FREE DRUGS FOR EVERYONE!" "What?
The elections not for another three years," said Hermione. "Oh, WHO
CARES." said Snape, grabbing the test tubes. "YEAH! SHUT UP, HERMIONE!
DON'T RUIN OUR FUN!" said Ron as he grabbed a test tube. "Woo! Let's all
get fucked up and die!" said Lupin happily as he downed a test tube.
"Whatever, none of you will remember anything by morning anyway."
There were some scary side effects, however. Hermione was impregnated
and nine months later, out popped a redhaired baby. Dumbledore now had
lime green hair. And Lupin had such a bad hangover that he couldn't even
move. And the worst part was that none of them even knew how they got